


Hindsight

by angrytourist



Series: complex anatomy [9]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Kagune Sex, M/M, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-26
Updated: 2014-08-26
Packaged: 2018-02-14 23:04:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2206401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angrytourist/pseuds/angrytourist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tsukiyama paused to examine a cut of meat from the freezer. "Thigh," he said, noticing Kaneki staring. "I have it on good authority that this is as close as the human body comes to filet mignon."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hindsight

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks again to everyone who's read/commented/left kudos/bookmarked! *u* You guys are awesome.

Kaneki ambushed Tsukiyama the next morning. He’d barely managed to sleep at all, catching maybe an hour of rest on the couch in the sitting room. “I’m sorry,” he said urgently, not a heartbeat between the door opening and the apology flying from his mouth. “I thought I was doing the right thing, but it wasn’t! I just made everything worse.”

Tsukiyama looked surprised, one hand still on the doorknob. “Is that so?” he finally said, letting an agonizingly long moment pass before speaking. “And in the future?”

In the future? Kaneki considered it, thinking back on what might have happened if he’d done as Tsukiyama wanted. Nishio wouldn’t be dead, not yet and certainly not because of him. If he’d eaten when Tsukiyama wanted him to in the beginning, he might even still be living back at his apartment.

“In the future, I’ll do what you want,” he said, voice filled with quiet resolve. No one should have to die because he makes poor decisions. “I don’t want to let anyone else die because of me.”

“I seem to be missing something.” Tsukiyama looked at him expectantly. 

“Yesterday.” Kaneki stopped, opened his mouth, closed it again. He didn’t want to talk about it, but, “I tried to help Nishio. He--doves found us. Because I--agitated him. They killed him.”

Tsukiyama hummed thoughtfully. “Is that so?” He walked past Kaneki to the kitchen. “You must be hungry. I found something good on the way back yesterday.”

But now it was Kaneki’s turn to freeze with surprise. Just like that? He was forgiven? Tsukiyama didn’t care anymore?

A rush of gratitude flooded him, warm and masking the horrible void that existed in his chest. Tsukiyama forgave him when no one else would. 

“I didn’t have time to prepare her,” Tsukiyama’s voice carried from the kitchen, drawing Kaneki closer. “So I’ll just cut some off.” He sounded like he wasn’t quite awake yet, so Kaneki, pausing to take in the sight of a dead young woman sprawled naked across the kitchen table, went to start the coffee. He didn’t want to watch Tsukiyama tear the body up with his kagune, so he watched the coffee drip mindlessly, tuning out the noises behind him. 

“The insides go so fast,” Tsukiyama said, disappointed, “but I can freeze this,” and he was mostly talking to himself, always quick to become absorbed in his task. 

Kaneki fixed cups for both of them, laying a hand on Tsukiyama's arm as he set it next to him.

"Shall I feed you, Kaneki-kun?" Tsukiyama's mood had done a 180, pleased and sparkling where before his anger made Kaneki cower. He held out a small piece pinched between two fingers. 

Ordinarily, he would have refused. But he kept seeing Tsukiyama's back, remembering his cold dismissal. Kaneki leaned forward and took the meat in his mouth, sucking the blood off Tsukiyama's fingers.

"Thank you," he said stiffly, looking at the floor. He could feel the heat in his face and knew he looked like a fool.

“What a wonderful day,” Tsukiyama said, holding out another piece. 

Kaneki glanced up at him, then nodded. “Thank you,” he said again, eating. The embarrassment was worth the look of glee in Tsukiyama’s eyes.

xxx

“Where did you go?” Kaneki didn’t get around to asking until after they’d eaten. He was wiping down the table, Tsukiyama having just returned from disposing of the inedible parts.

“Ward 21.” Tsukiyama took the rag from him and tossed it in the trash, nudging Kaneki toward the sink to wash himself. “You’ll rub the finish off the table if you scrub any harder.”

“Sorry,” Kaneki muttered, washing his hands. “But why 21?”

“It’s a reasonable distance from here,” Tsukiyama said. “Not much ghoul or CCG activity. Of course, going there would only be a temporary move. The,” he paused, “excitement of ward 20 will eventually spill over. Then we’ll go to Europe.” He seemed pleased by the thought.

“We’re moving to ward 21?” Kaneki asked. “I--I can come with you?”

“Where else would go?” Tsukiyama returned. 

He made it sound so simple, like Kaneki wasn't constantly screwing up and begging for forgiveness. "I wasn't sure if you still..." He trailed off, not willing to finish the thought aloud.

"As if I could stop wanting you," Tsukiyama snorted. " _C'est ridicule_! Self-pity doesn't suit you, Kaneki-kun."

Relief tinged with embarrassment struck Kaneki, the last remnants of doubt about Tsukiyama's intentions fading in its wake. 

"You're right." Kaneki smiled, throwing away the desire to apologize again. "Do we need to do anything?"

"Like?"

"Pack?" Kaneki suggested "I mean, there's so much stuff here. When are we leaving?" He'd only moved once as a child, when he'd gone to live with his aunt, but packing up the apartment he and his mother had lived in was a hellish task. With as much stuff as Tsukiyama had, he was sure packing up the house would be even worse.

Tsukiyama waved carelessly around them. "We aren't packing any of it. We won't need it. And it's not like we'd be able to get out of the ward with all of it. Besides, we're leaving in the morning. There wouldn't be any time."

"That quickly?"

"I wanted to tell you yesterday," Tsukiyama said, and Kaneki's shame made a triumphant return.

He slumped, not wanting to meet Tsukiyama's eye. "Right."

"I need to make a call," Tsukiyama continued over Kaneki's fidgeting. "Just to finalize things. I'll be back in a moment." He took his coffee and returned to the bedroom.

A 'moment' turned into half an hour of Kaneki, bemused, listening to the angry French carrying down the hall. When Tsukiyama returned, he didn't look unhappy, but there was a definite tightness around his eyes.

"Is something wrong?"

"They're off schedule," Tsukiyama said, smoothing his hair. 

Kaneki wanted to ask who ‘they’ were, but he knew better. If Tsukiyama wanted him to know, he would already know. "So... we won't be leaving tomorrow?"

"We will," Tsukiyama promised, though it sounded like a threat the way he said it. "A little earlier, maybe."

“How? I mean,” Kaneki backtracked when he saw Tsukiyama frown, “how are we getting there?”

“Ah.” Tsukiyama nodded at the door leading to the tunnels. “The usual way. I walked it once already to test,” he didn’t need to say when, all things considered, “and we shouldn’t have any trouble.”

“Will your family be there?” Tsukiyama mentioned them enough to pique his curiosity. Rich ghouls… It seemed strange that ghouls should be able to get rich with the way they were scrutinized. And Tsukiyama had implied more than once that his family had been rich for a long time - and in a prominent way. How had no one found out about them?

Tsukiyama gave him a bland look, then corrected himself, smiling. “I doubt you’ll ever meet them in this lifetime.”

That… definitely sounded like they were dead. Kaneki opened his mouth to apologize, maybe even commiserate, but Tsukiyama held up a hand to quiet him. “I have to go make some last minute preparations,” he held up his phone. “You look exhausted, Kaneki-kun. Sleep while I’m gone, and I might bring you a present.”

“You sound like you’re talking to a dog,” Kaneki snapped back on reflex, but before he could backtrack, Tsukiyama laughed.

“There you are,” he said, pleased, as he turned toward the door. “I’ll see you soon.”

xxx

Kaneki was tired - exhausted, in fact. With Tsukiyama's forgiveness, his eyes had nothing to hold them open, his worries keeping for another day.

He slept in Tsukiyama’s bed from mid-morning until evening, waking up to the clock chiming six. He felt surprisingly well rested for someone who slept the entire day away, something that would usually leave him feeling more tired than before. 

Tsukiyama was in the bathroom. He hadn’t heard him come into the room, but the shower was running. Kaneki rolled over enough to pull the lamp switch, illuminating the room. Blood trailed from the partially closed door to the bathroom, where Tsukiyama could be heard humming.

Kaneki had mixed feelings about that.

The shower turned off and shortly after Tsukiyama came out with nothing but a towel around his waist, his hair still damp and skin still a touch red from the hot water.

Kaneki didn't say a word, just stared.

Tsukiyama shot him a wicked grin before neatly hanging the towel over the closet door. "Sleep well?" he asked casually, as though he wasn't climbing into bed naked and crawling over a stunned Kaneki.

“Yes?” Kaneki pushed himself up on his elbows, craning his neck to watch Tsukiyama’s face. 

“It’s the last night we’ll be here,” Tsukiyama began, his hands already drawing down the zipper of Kaneki’s pants, “so I thought we should celebrate.”

“Yes,” Kaneki said again - with quite a bit more conviction.When Tsukiyama’s hand slipped inside his pants and grabbed his cock, he shuddered and closed his eyes. Sex, he’d found, felt good - great, really, and Kaneki was now fully possessed of an understanding about the guys he used to go to school with, how they’d lose their heads over a pretty girl. Tsukiyama might not be a pretty girl, but he knew his way around. The only thing Kaneki really wished - 

Tsukiyama was watching his face and stroking his cock at the same time, and Kaneki caught a flash of tongue sliding over his lip, sending the blood straight to his cock with enough force to convince him that blurting, “Can I do it this time?” was a good idea.

Somehow, Tsukiyama didn’t falter. “Do what?”

“...you?” The moment he said it, an overwhelming wave of embarrassment crashed over him. Kaneki slung an arm over his eyes so he didn’t have to see Tsukiyama’s reaction.

Tsukiyama _did_ falter then, but only for a second. Then he was in Kaneki’s space, forcing his arm away and mashing their mouths together. It wasn’t an answer, exactly, but Kaneki could feel how hard Tsukiyama was pressing against his hip.

When he pushed, there was no resistance, and Kaneki rolled them, flipping on top. Tsukiyama watched him expectantly, his hair damp and in disarray against the pillow. His gaze felt judging, made Kaneki want to hide his face, so instead, he pressed a hand over Tsukiyama’s eyes, if only to hide the way his face burned.

But Tsukiyama shivered, and his lips curled into a pleased smirk, like he had planned this all along. Kaneki didn’t want him to smirk. He wanted him to fall apart, for Kaneki to be the one holding the cards - the memory of coming on top of an unconscious Tsukiyama, of Tsukiyama begging flickered in his mind’s eye, and he felt his entire body pulse in response. He might not have been able to put it into words, but Kaneki knew what he wanted.

Kaneki sat back, giving Tsukiyama room. “Roll over,” he said, his voice dipping deeper, “on to your knees.” He pulled off his shirt and shoved his pants further down his hips, freeing his cock to the cold bedroom air.

Tsukiyama still looked so amused, even as he followed Kaneki’s orders.

That wouldn’t do.

For a moment, his mind went foggy. The sensation was familiar, though not a positive one. He snapped back quickly, only to realize his kagune was out, swaying around him. Tsukiyama hadn’t noticed, his eyes trained ahead.

Hesitant, Kaneki reached out and ran a finger over one of the snake-like appendages. It was warm and firm, and more importantly, he could _feel_ with it.

Kaneki looked at Tsukiyama, bent over and vulnerable in front of him. He looked back at his kagune. He briefly considered what kind of person even considering what he was considering made him, but that was hardly going to stop him.

When the first tendril reached out, it touched Tsukiyama’s back, running down the curve of his spine in a whisper of a caress. Tsukiyama went rigid, then shook, letting out a sharp exhale.

Kaneki fought off a grin, shuffling forward on his knees and pressing his cock against Tsukiyama’s ass, his eyes rolling back at just that. His hands on Tsukiyama’s hips, he reached around with his kagune and encircled Tsukiyama’s cock, giving it a slow pull.

Tsukiyama jumped at that. “Kaneki-kun,” he said slowly. “Are you using your kagune on me?” He sounded breathless.

“Maybe?” Kaneki allowed, jacking him off slowly, teasingly. He rutted against Tsukiyama, enjoying the tease. But he didn’t want to come early and miss the point of getting Tsukiyama on his knees like that. He wanted to fuck him, and he wanted to hold him perfectly still with his kagune, unable to touch Kaneki or himself. He wanted to be in control.

He stretched out another tendril to grab the lube from the bedside table, marveling at how they’d never considered this before. He slicked his fingers and slipped one inside Tsukiyama, listening for the way his breathing changed and committing the noises to memory.

“Tsukiyama,” Kaneki sighed, slicking his cock and resting the head against that stretched pucker, mesmerized by the sight. When he pushed in, Tsukiyama’s arms gave, his upper body resting on his chest as Kaneki rolled his hips in slow, languorous motions. “Feels really good…” 

Tsukiyama wasn’t making a single sound, and Kaneki wanted to hear him. The tendril around Tsukiyama’s cock withdrew. Kaneki grinned at the sound that slipped out of him then, half protest and half prayer. 

“You can come like this,” he panted, “right?” His thrusts were bordering on frantic, the heat and the pressure so good that Kaneki had to force himself not to come. He kept his eyes on Tsukiyama’s back, on the side of his face pressed against the pillow, on the way he panted, open-mouthed. Kaneki didn’t think he’d ever forget that sight.

He thrust harder, thrilling in the way Tsukiyama’s body jolted. “Answer me,” he said, keeping his voice as steady as possible. 

Tsukiyama nodded, frantic, and made gasping noises at him. Kaneki could just barely make out the ‘yes’ among them.

“I want to feel it,” he pressed, losing control, his voice a barely there breath, and his hips a stuttering, crashing mess. “Tsukiyama--”

And as if his name was the trigger, Tsukiyama’s back bowed and he let out a strangled sound, some bastardized version of Kaneki’s name, as he came in shudders and jerks across the sheets beneath him. His body clamped down on Kaneki without warning, ripping his orgasm out of him with a startling violence. 

When it was over, Kaneki was the one shaking, his thighs trembling as he pulled out of Tsukiyama. He collapsed backward, breathing heavily as his kagune receded.

Tsukiyama’s face appeared after a few minutes, obscuring his view of the ceiling. He was still flushed and breathing hard, his eyes glassy, as he looked down at him. He looked so satisfied, like the cat that got the cream.

“I do so love it when you exceed my expectations,” he said. “ _Très bien_!” 

Kaneki didn’t even have the energy to roll his eyes. 

xxx

When Tsukiyama shook him awake in the dead of night, the first thought Kaneki had was, _I feel really gross_ , as he shifted and felt the half-dried mess on his groin.

“Hurry,” Tsukiyama shook him again, fingers tight on his shoulder, “we have to leave soon.”

Kaneki rolled over, squinting at the fashionable rustic clock on the bedside table. In the dark, he could just barely make out that it was some time after two in the morning. “So early,” he muttered, but he climbed out of bed nonetheless.

He groggily put on the clothes Tsukiyama handed him and secured his mask to hand around his neck. Tsukiyama was already dressed, his clothes without a wrinkle and his hair perfectly in place, a sight beyond Kaneki’s understanding. “How long have you been up?”

“I didn’t sleep.”

That explained the manic look on his face, Kaneki figured. “Should I--I’ll just make some coffee,” he said, hastily exiting the room.

The kitchen was the way it always was. They hadn’t packed a thing. The house, this one and wherever they were going, belonged to the Tsukiyama family, so Kaneki imagined the other was fully stocked as well. Would this property be abandoned? It was a pity, if so. Kaneki had come to like the house.

He could run the coffee pot in his sleep, so he zoned out as his hands set to work. He was exhausted still, and desperately needed a shower, not that he expected he’d have the opportunity. When the coffee started percolating, Kaneki wet a towel in the sink and rubbed it furiously across his lower stomach, holding his shirt up with one hand. It was a crude job, but he guessed it would do until they were somewhere Tsukiyama would let him shower.

Speaking of, Tsukiyama arrived in the kitchen shortly after the coffee finished brewing, going straight for the cup Kaneki poured for him. “We need to go soon,” he warned, downing half the cup in one go despite the heat. “We’ll head through the tunnels, but to cross into the next ward, we’ll need to surface at the barrier. We should get through easy enough. I’ve seen the guards they have posted.” He narrowed his eyes. “They underestimate us.”

Kaneki fiddled with his mask, preferring to stay quiet. Leaving the ward, the place he knew as his home, was nerve wracking enough, but just thinking about what could go wrong sent shivers down his spine.

Rushed by Tsukiyama, they didn't stay in the kitchen for more than a few minutes They were out of the house in under fifteen minutes, heading into the tunnels. Tsukiyama looked almost bored, like fleeing from one ward to another was old hat.

Knowing how he was, Kaneki wouldn't be surprised if that was the case.

They walked for a long time, Tsukiyama leading the way, taking more turns than Kaneki thought existed in the tunnels. When it came time to surface, the sun was just beginning to soften the early morning dark.

Ordinarily, passage between wards was unrestricted. However, in times of high ghoul activity, the CCG would set up a blockade, restricting access in and out of the affected ward. As peaceful as ward 20 used to be, Kaneki had never seen a blockade in person, only on the news or through pictures posted online. He'd been perfectly happy that way, too.

Tsukiyama fixed his mask, motioning for Kaneki to do the same. Then he leaned close. "In three minutes, we should be able to walk straight through. If anyone sees us, they die. There's no point in moving if they know where we've gone "

Kaneki nodded, swallowing his nerves. He wanted to get it over with, preferably without anyone dying.

But he'd do whatever it took to stay alive.

The tunnels had let them out beneath an underpass about three blocks from the blockade. Given how early it was, the only people out were the guards posted by the CCG and a few early commuters, so they hadn't needed to be too careful at first. But once the blockade came into view, they'd ducked behind a building.

"Thirty seconds," Tsukiyama whispered.

Kaneki braced himself, waiting for Tsukiyama’s signal. When he felt a hand on his lower back and Tsukiyama's hushed, "Now," Kaneki sprang out into the open and sprinted forward.

The blockade itself was hastily erected, a flimsy metal wall that seemingly sprang up overnight to circle the entire ward. Alone, it wouldn't have been an issue to escape, but doves were stationed at specific sections, aided by local law enforcement. There were specific times where it was possible to slip through.

Fortunately, Tsukiyama seemed to have a 'friend' who was more than willing to hand over that information.

They made it through and into an alley with seconds to spare before a guard, suitcase in hand, walked back to where the passing station was in the wall.

"What now?" Kaneki mouthed.

Tsukiyama held a finger to his lips, then walked away, motioning for Kaneki to follow.

He led them through a few back roads before finally emerging onto the main street where a black car was waiting.

“If you had a car, why didn’t we just take that?” Kaneki demanded the moment the door closed behind them. All that espionage looked pointless now.

“The blockades,” Tsukiyama said, removing his mask. “They have a technology that detects elevated Rc levels. If we’d gone through them the legal way, we’d have been found out immediately.”

“And the driver?”

“Human,” Tsukiyama said. “Most of my employees are.”

That was a lot to take in. “You have employees?”

“Didn’t I tell you?” Tsukiyama asked. “I run a restaurant. I have to take you there soon.”

Considering Tsukiyama’s eccentric tastes earned him the title ‘The Gourmet’, Kaneki wasn’t sure he _wanted_ to go to his restaurant.

The car was definitely the sort of thing someone wealthy would have: a sleek black limousine with a back seat large enough to accommodate at least six people and a dark window dividing the driver from the passengers. It was like something out of a movie.

The driver was well-informed because he never once spoke to them. When he pulled up to a new-looking apartment building, Kaneki was skeptical.

“I told you it’s only temporary,” Tsukiyama said, misreading the look on Kaneki’s face. “It’s just a safehouse. My family has a 3LDK under a false name here.”

"You guys sure are well prepared," Kaneki joked weakly as the driver opened the door for them.

Tsukiyama climbed out and offered Kaneki his hand. "You have no idea," Tsukiyama agreed.

xxx

The apartment was fully furnished, including clothes in Kaneki's size and a freezer stocked with food.

"Why couldn't your employees do this in ward 20?"

"Because it would have been noticed," Tsukiyama said, examining a cut of meat from the freezer. "Thigh," Tsukiyama said, noticing Kaneki staring. "I have it on good authority that this is as close as the human body comes to filet mignon."

"Is that so?" Kaneki gave him a dubious look.

"You'll find out tonight," Tsukiyama said cheerfully. "Why don't you go look around?"

"I already have."

"Outside," Tsukiyama clarified. "There's a cafe nearby. Go get yourself some coffee. I'm sure you're tired of being stuck inside, _non_?"

Kaneki couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Outside," he repeated. "Alone. Is it safe?"

"As safe as possible for the moment," Tsukiyama allowed. "The CCG thinks we're still in ward 20, and it's too early to suspect we've escaped. We're on the opposite side of 21."

"So I can go outside," Kaneki summed up. "That's--yeah, I'll go. Do we have any--no, I remember." He'd seen a bookshelf in one of the bedrooms. He'd grab one and go.

It was around nine in the morning. They'd arrived at the building just after six, and Kaneki had been too wired to sleep. It was fully day now, and the sidewalks were packed.

Kaneki finally felt like he could breathe.

Tsukiyama was right about the cafe. It was about a block and a half away, and looked like one of the commercial chains. It was beautiful.

He'd grabbed a copy of _No Longer Human_ from one of the bedrooms to read, and though it was definitely depressing, it seemed appropriate. So Kaneki ordered a coffee and sat down to read, feeling safe and normal and human for the first time in a long time.

He should have known it wouldn't last.

About half an hour into book, someone rudely grabbed the front of it and pulled it down, bringing Kaneki eye to eye with a large, foreboding man with a strangely designed beard.

"Can I help you?" Kaneki asked, frightened but polite. His mother would have been proud.

The man flared his nostrils - that cannot be a good sign - and dropped into the seat opposite Kaneki's. He leaned forward. "You smell."

Kaneki worked his mouth a few times, mortified. He... smelled? He smelled so offensive a stranger had to tell him? Granted, he did need a shower, but--

"Where is she?" The man was nearly growling.

Kaneki glanced surreptitiously around, then leaned closer, hoping no one noticed them. "Where's who?" He should probably run. The man was likely a lunatic.

God, Kaneki hoped he was just a lunatic.

"Rize," he growled, and Kaneki's stomach _dropped_.


End file.
